Lord Voldemort Attempts Suicide
by Lyrae Malfoy
Summary: Lord Voldemort is in a dark place and it seems that the only way out is to kill himself. But as he realises that his horcruxes prevent this, he and his snake Nagini go out for a days adventure searching for his own horcruxes, including friendship, Zefron and the tale of what really happened to his nose!


Lord Voldemort Attempts Suicide

**A/N – Just a little comedy I thought up!**

**Disclaimer – I do not own the Harry Potter series, all rights go to JK Rowling**

* * *

Lord Voldemort burst into tears.

Yes, you heard that right. He burst into tears, all over his hot pink, heart shaped, fluffy pillow. He was sprawled out on his stomach over his lavender coloured bed sheets while crying into his fluffy pillow.

Harry Potter had gotten away again! Bellatrix had not notified him as soon as Potter was found, and he got away.

Wiping a couple of stray tears away, Voldemort reached under his bed and pulled out his hot pink, fluffy, covered in darker pink hearts, diary. _It was Potter that lost my first one_, his mind reminded him bitterly.

_Dear Milly_

-That was what he'd nicknamed his diary.

_Dear Milly_

_Harry Potter _*sniffle*_ got away from me again, today. It is all Bellatrix's FAULT! Apparently they weren't sure if it were Potter and so they locked up him and another boy, Wesley, I think, while Bella tortured some girl, Har-my-honey Gringer. It was TOTALLY UNFAIR that she didn't let me know! Well, now, I'm over it! I cant believe no one told me. I tortured them, and now I am going to torture myself._

_Yes, I am going to use Nagini's snake skins to make a rope for myself and then I will hang myself. If anyone finds this journal, I want to be buried in a church wearing the clothes I wear when I die (the pretty pink dress)._

_I will love you only (and Nagini) forever._

_LOL, Lord V._

Voldemort sniffled.

"Naighinia!" he shouted, calling for his beloved snake in Parseltongue. "Naighinia! Cuhum too mey may sweeeeeet"

The green skinned snake slithered in, with all the delicacy and angelic grace of a snake. Beautiful creature, she was.

"What?" she snapped. Voldemort sighed. Clearly, she was in one of her moods. Maybe she was still angry with him because he accidently cooked all of her eggs. It still made him sick to his stomach that he had killed and ate lots of little baby snakes.

"Nagini, I'm going to off myself" the snake snorted, if that's possible.

"Good. Perhaps you could tell my husband that I love him while you are in hell?"

Voldemort looked at her quizzically. "I thought you ate him?"

Nagini shrugged. "My memory is a little faulty. Anyway, you were saying something about death?"

Voldemort nodded. "Bellatrix let Potter get away from me. Again. I've decided to go ahead and kill myself"

"But what about ruling the world?" Nagini asked curiously. Voldemort frowned. To be honest he hadn't really thought about that. Of course, he was excited for the war, but after that? What was he going to do? Becoming minister for magic sounded awfully boring.

Maybe he could open up a theme park about Harry Potter.

"I've changed my mind" he said.

"Then give up on the war and live in Azkaban. That sounds like a nice retirement, doesn't it?" Voldemort pondered this, but then realised the dementors would never forgive him. He shook his head.

"No, I'm going to kill myself. Now, where do you keep your shedded skin?"

"I eat it"

"Ew"

"Your nose is ew"

"What nose?"

"We need to stop these nose jokes…"

Voldemort nodded, and then shook his head.

"How am I supposed to die then? I don't want it to hurt"

Nagini rolled her eyes. "I think it has to hurt. And I don't think you can kill yourself. Don't you have, like, eighty horcruxes?"

Voldemort gasped and put his hands over his mouth, his eyes flying wide open.

"Great Merlin! I need to kill the horcruxes!"

So he set off on his quest.

First he went to the cave where his locket was.

"Nagini, cut yourself"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes!"

"It won't make a difference, the horcrux isn't in there. I can sense them, since I'm one, remember?"

"Oh, right! Well, I'll kill you last! Let's go to the Gaunt cottage for the ring!"

Seven hours later…

"Was it really necessary to take the bus?"

"It was a direct line, shut up"

…

"This is it?" Nagini asked, sounding unimpressed. Voldemort couldn't blame her; there _were_ snakes hammered to the door. "This is where the great Dark Lord's mother lived?"

"… Shut up"

"Plus, it's not here"

"Shut up!"

"Where to next?" Voldemort asked Nagini.

"We can't go to Gringotts or Hogwarts, so they are safe. I assume Harry Potter has taken the ring and the locket, so those are gone. That leaves me, the diadem and the cup. Unless you have any other horcruxes Dumbledore didn't know of?"

"Of course I do!" Voldemort snapped.

"What?" The snake yelped. "How many did you make?"

"Hmmm. The ring, the locket, the cup, the diadem, you, the diary is destroyed… Oh yes. My Zefron poster, my copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, the first snitch I ever caught-"

"You never played Quidditch! How did you catch a snitch?"

"It was hiding behind a bludger, the Gyrffindor beater hit the bludger and I was think of names to call the Death Eaters, and the bludger hit me in the nose and I swallowed the snitch. I actually swallowed it" Voldemort said flatly.

"Oh_, that's_ why you don't have a nose!"

"…. Shut up"

* * *

"So where did you hide your other horcruxes anyway?"

"The snitch is in a class case at home, the Zefron poster is in my office and the Goblet of Fire copy is in my library"

"So we're just going home?"

"Yes"

"…"

"…"

"….."

"I don't want to kill myself anymore"

* * *

Harry stared at the elder wand in his hand and back up at the fallen Dark Lord. He couldn't believe it was finally over.

"You… You destroyed all my horcruxes?" Voldemort panted weakly. Harry looked down at the dying man and nodded. "Even… Even my Zefron poster?"

"_Especially_ the Zefron poster" Harry hissed. Voldemort groaned.

"I… Please, Potter. Mercy… I… I like your tie"

"F*** THE TIE!"


End file.
